As we enter Pride month, I have our LGBTQ+ siblings on my mind and heart. How can we be allies to these folks? How can we challenge ourselves beyond our own conditioned binary thinking? How can straight and cisgender* people support the LGBTQ+ community in a real way? We must start by showing up in ways that may make us uncomfortable but may also create safe space for others to claim their full identities.
I believe for straight and cisgender people, the place to begin is Binary Thinking. In American culture, we have been trained and taught binary thinking. Also known as dichotomous thinking, binary thinking happens when complex concepts, ideas, and problems are overly simplified into an either/or perspective. We have been conditioned to believe that all, or at least most, things have 2 sides…and only two sides. Things are expected to be up or down, right or wrong, male or female.
For Unitarian Universalists, we have long fought binary thinking when it comes to civil rights, to pluralistic beliefs, to nuanced ideas of individual thinking. In UU circles, it is rare that people are expected to think or believe that things are strictly this or that. We welcome a diversity of education, intellectual prowess, intricacies of personality, multiple backgrounds, and more. And we often “study” to continue to open our minds.
Yet, somehow when it comes to sexuality and gender identity, we revert to antiquated ways of thinking. We feel confronted and frustrated and confused. What does this have to do with me, we might say. Why do I have to do things differently? This pronoun thing is someone else’s new idea, so why do I have to change?
Here’s why: We are UUs and we have committed ourselves to living our values, to transforming our hearts and minds, to finding new ways to widen the circle and invite others in…so they become not others, but us.
I am not saying it isn’t hard, or comfortable, or even that it will always make sense to straight and cisgender folks. What I am saying is that it’s not always bad to pushed a little to expand your thinking. And in this case in particular, you just have to remember that it’s not about you.
If you’re ready to have your binary mind made more open, here a few things to know and practice:
- Sexuality is about orientation, about who you’re attracted to and who you feel drawn to romantically, emotionally, and sexually. (Orientation is not gender)
- One’s sex is a biological descriptor of a person’s reproductive, hormonal, anatomical, and genetic characteristics. (Sex does not directly indicate orientation, and does not in and of itself define gender)
- Gender is someone’s internal perception of their identity, and how one feels they want to express that identity. It can refer to socially constructed roles, behaviors, expressions and identities. (Gender identity does not directly indicate sex, or sexual orientation.
- When a person expresses their sexuality or gender to a straight, cisgendered person, there is no requirement that we “understand” or agree with it. It isn’t ours to define.
- Gender-fluid refers to or relates to a person who does not identify as having a single unchanging gender.
- Transgender folks are those who do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. This may or MAY NOT include physical changes or hormone therapy.
Here are a few reminders when interacting:
- If you would not ask about a straight, cisgendered person that very personal question about their sexuality, don’t ask an LGBTQ+ person.
- If you don’t know someone’s pronouns, it is very appropriate to say, “I’m sorry. I don’t know your pronouns. Can you tell me?”
- Some people don’t think using “they” is grammatically correct, but THEY might not realize THEY have been using it as a singular pronoun all of THEIR life.
- We cannot assume someone’s sexuality or gender based on the way they physically present themselves.
- WE CAN model gender identity safety by giving our own pronouns when we introduce ourselves. This may feel awkward at times, but it creates a safe place for folks who need to share their identity.
- Because we can’t make assumptions, and because as UUs we want to be as kind and loving as possible, we must make a space for a person working through identity and expression. Part of this work may be stating pronouns.
- Our LGBTQ+ folks do not need to hear your disagreement or personal struggle with sexuality and gender. If you do not understand someone’s sexuality or gender, and/or you are in a group and don’t want to share your identity or pronouns, JUST DON’T. You don’t have to make an angry statement about it, and if you do all it does is make them feel unsupported.
The truth is, there’s a lot to unpack for straight and cisgendered folks. There’s a lot to learn about our changing world. And even when we try to do our best, we will ALL make mistakes. We will ALL make mistakes. It’s important for us to not let that fear of making mistakes stop us from living into our UU values and principles.
And it’s always important (no matter what the subject) to keep learning and growing as individuals.
In Faith,
Paula Gribble
NOTE: I previously offered a class on this topic and too few registered to make the class happen. If you are interested in learning more on the topic, I will offer the class again in Fall 2024.
*Cisgender is defined as “denoting or relating to a person whose gender identity corresponds with the sex registered for them at birth; not transgender.”